The Fifty-first Shade - Fifty Shades of Grey and trying it for real.

Apparently 50 Shades of Grey is really popular. Over 100 million copies of the book series have been sold, with the film now set to give the whole thing another round of popularity and publicity. Since the key element of the erotica tale is a BDSM relationship, sales of fetish gear have also sky-rocketed as many people previously underexposed to such things (or lacking a social in-road to broach the idea to their partner) have awakened to the idea of trying it out. If you are one of these people (or thinking of becoming one) this article is for you.

Unlike many articles that offer criticism of the books, I don't want to to start out by stating that it is wrong to enjoy 50 Shades as a piece of fantasy. It isn't the most well-crafted tale of our time, but as a man who owns all five Resident Evil films I understand that entertaining trash has its place. 50 Shades essentially exists to provoke sexual fantasies and apparently it does a more than passable job for a lot of people.

Sexual fantasies are not always politically correct and over-analysing them isn't always beneficial or productive. If you enjoy imagining being Ana then go ahead and imagine it. (I guess some people enjoy imagining being Christian in some scenes, but hopefully that involves willfully stripping away basically everything about the man as a person).
Projecting yourself into the enjoyable parts of an existence that would have serious downsides if you lived it is entirely normal – few people really want to be a traumatised orphan, but that doesn't stop them flocking to a new Batman film. Ana's life isn't a pretty picture either - but the reputed 20% of the film she will spend having sex is still a big draw. Being aroused by the idea of a powerful man taking control of your life doesn't make you a traitor to feminism – it just means you have a fantasy you enjoy and possibly a lifestyle choice you're free to make. If the sole result of this series is to inspire millions of hours of enjoyable masturbation across the western world, the world is probably a better place for having it.

Of course, that isn't the sole result. If all those rope and whip sales are any indication, 50 Shades is inspiring a vast number of people to start exploring the world of BDSM for real. The reaction to this from those already involved in the fetish community has generally come down to an expression of two fears - that couples who attempt to re-enact the books in isolation will get themselves hurt, and that people who enter the fetish scene armed only with the books will believe themselves experts and mess up badly. Truthfully both of these fears are pretty reasonable, so I've decided to become a small part of the solution and provide a few hopefully useful pointers.
More general social commentators have expressed fears that holding 50 Shades up as an aspirational love story could warp the expectations of a generation and lead them to accept or seek out abuse. That argument is very important, but I don't really have the space to cover it here. Most people have been told many other (better) romance stories besides this one - but 50 Shades is probably the first and only BDSM tale that most folks have read, which gives it a massive amount of influence in that area.

I ought to mention that although I have a fair amount of knowledge, my practical experience is pretty limited. I'm not trying to be an authoritative guide here – I'm just trying to be a far better guide than 50 Shades is. The fact that this sets the bar so very low gives me both confidence and motivation.

It's OK to be Kinky.

Although BDSM proclivities are FAR more common than those without them think, being kinky is an usual state of being. Like many abnormalities, this leads many kinky people at some point to ask themselves “why am I like this?” Since kink often involves liking things we are generally conditioned to see as bad, it's easy to come up with some fairly negative theories – and some of those around you may find it easier still.

Blossoming as a kinky person can sometimes be a process very similar to coming out as gay. Becoming able to talk about it and confident enough to identify as such to others is a gradual thing. However, it's also the second half of the journey. The first is an internal one, in which the person grapples with questions like 'does liking pain mean I'm screwed up or self-destructive?' * and 'does wanting to beat someone more than I want to make love to them make me a bad person?' **

Some people still struggling with such issues tend to go hot and cold on the issue of BDSM. Desire and interest draw them in for a while, then self-loathing and worry drive them away. Some attempt to repress the interest whilst being powerless to change it, remaining unfulfilled for a long time. Tragically, some even end up secretly paying professionals to give them kink sessions without ever asking their partner to do the same things to them. All of this is bad and the sooner a kinky person is able to accept themselves and be accepted by those around them the better.

The reason I bring this up is that 50 Shades is actually a really negative portrayal of BDSM in some ways. The series casually implies that Grey's preferences are a result of childhood trauma and mental issues – a toxic idea that surveys of actual kinky people have repeatedly shown to be false. Like Edward's bloodlust in the often-compared Twilight series, his sadism is portrayed as the one scary downside of an embarrassingly idealised love interest – and unlike being a sparkly bloodsucking monster five times her age, seems like it might actually be a deal breaker. When Ana gets angry at the end of the book she delivers a very negative judgement of his character based on his S&M tastes, which he accepts as accurate.

Yet in spite of all this, it's clear that the only reason for 50 Shades to exist is to present fantasies about S&M for your enjoyment. As a result, it is a work that can encourage both interest and self-loathing in a kinky person at the same time – which can't be terribly healthy. If you feel inspired to make BDSM part of your life, don't swallow the idea that you are inherently doing something wrong (but oh so right). You aren't. It doesn't make you a bad person and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

*No. Pain is just a physical sensation like any other. We first encounter pain in association with harm, but a lifetime of aversion therapy doesn't mean it's actually bad in and of itself. Obviously the primary purpose of pain is to act as an alarm system to protect us. However, adrenaline exists so that we can flee or kill to protect ourselves and few have an issue with tricking the body into giving us a shot for pleasure.

**No. The key here is the intended result of the session. Typically a fantasy that owes anything to your practical desires for real life will leave the subject of your whipping pleased and fulfilled by the experience. Dreaming about relentlessly stimulating someone attractive until they lose every last vestige of self-control is actually really normal.

YKINMKBYKIOK (No, really).

As you might guess, the BDSM community uses a lot of jargon and acronyms in its online communication. Probably the most absurd acronym in semi-regular use is the snappy YKINMKBYKIOK – which translates as Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But Your Kink Is OK.

The truth is, a lot of people are extremely 'vanilla' in taste. Perplexing as it is, they see nothing attractive about BDSM and react to images of people being bound, gagged and flogged for fun along the lines of “Gah, why would you like that, what is wrong with you?” If you're a 50 Shades fan, this probably isn't you. But the fetish community is a diverse place, and if you go peeking into other people's dungeons for long enough you will undoubtedly see some things that will make you think “Gah, why would you like that, what is wrong with you?”

If everyone went ahead and voiced these thoughts, the BDSM community couldn't exist as a social entity. Everyone would be too busy rejecting each other to remain on speaking terms. As such, people within these social networks are expected to give the same respect to others that they desire for themselves and accept that fetishes they don't happen to share are equally valid. This is not to say that you can't condemn anything, but concerns should be grounded on questions of consent and risk-management ethics rather than on whether looking at it makes you excited or nauseated.

50 Shades doesn't really put forward this concept. The process of defining the couple's 'hard limits', for example, is couched as little more than confirmation of the fact that she doesn't want to do things no sane person wants to do anyway. It's therefore important to learn this idea before you start discussing kink with other fetishists – hopefully including your partner.

If you happen to find someone who shares your interests, recognise that they might also have interests that you don't share. If your partner reacts with enthusiasm and relief when you nervously venture the idea of whips and chains, don't call them disgusting if they bring up the idea of urinating on their face. If that's too much you don't ever have to do it - but denigrating them as a person and making them afraid to share their wishes won't help any part of your lives together. Since they may have fetishes they've not told you about, it's better to practice this kind of respcetful consideration at all times – casually reviling a third party can cut almost as deeply if they're doing what your lover has always wanted.

I've talked before about the problems kinky people can face from mainstream society. The increased acceptance that 50 Shades has brought is therefore a good thing – but it can be overestimated. 50 Shades has not caused YKINMKBYKIOK to be more widely understood, which limits the social effectiveness of the book.

There are certainly plenty of people out there who take a 'whatever makes you happy' approach to other people's lives. Unfortunately, a very noticeable segment of society remains mired in the 'different = bad' thinking that festers in every schoolyard. The sheer popularity of 50 Shades means that some kink is now regarded as normal, but that's all. The boundary fence of 'normality' now cuts through the middle of kinkyland instead of running along the border, but the consequences of being found on the wrong side haven't gone away.

BDSM includes 3 separable groups of activities and none of them are sex.

BDSM 'play' includes a wide range of activities. In many cases, these activities are highly arousing for people who are into them. For that reason, kink is often used as a form of foreplay or to enhance an act of intercourse.

However, 'kinky sex' isn't the only way in which fetish activities are practised within the fetish community. Those events you've heard of where dozens of people in fetish gear meet up in a room and do things to each other really do exist – but they're not always orgies. At many organised events actual penetrative sex is banned and many of the attendees don't leave with each other to do that afterwards. Casual sex is fairly available within the mainstream world – when the BDSM community meet up they are primarily interested in playing different games.

This seems worth mentioning due to the ceaseless way in which BDSM play is used as a supporting act for Mr. Grey's penis. While the wider world will probably regard kink and sex as inextricably linked, if you venture into the fetish community you shouldn't regard sleeping with people as a necessary 'price of admission' you must pay to have things done to you. Far more importantly, if you are on the other end of the whip you shouldn't just assume sexual consent from those who are up for receiving play from you. Nor does attending an event mean that they are up for receiving such play – it's explicit consent all the way here.

Most people are aware that Bondage can be practised separately from other activities. In bed, many who find the idea of S&M or domination far too extreme can appreciate the advantages of being held immobile and powerless to resist while their partner goes to work on them. For many kinky people, however, the very act of binding or being bound can be mentally stimulating enough to be worth doing on its own as play or even as art. Japan has a tradition of treating erotic rope bondage as an art form (under the name of Kinbaku or Shibari) and the western adoption of these practices has created an interesting fusion of styles.

Domination/submission and S&M are more closely entangled within popular culture. The stereotypical 'scene' incorporates a dominant person performing S&M upon a submissive one. 50 Shades again doesn't help here – Grey refuses the term 'sadist' in favour of 'Dominant' when it is obvious that he is actually both.

In fact, such a dynamic is not needed to perform S&M. Many people do it in a co-equal environment. Sometimes the masochist adopts a dominant role in proceedings, precisely dictating what is done to them for their own enjoyment. The BDSM community often uses the words 'top' and 'bottom' to describe the acting and acted upon without the implications of the terms 'Dom' and 'sub'.

Domination/submission is also capable of being practised in isolation. Having one person 'take charge' in bed is an example of this – and traditional relationships where the husband carries overall authority over the couple's choices are technically D/s in nature. Couples who consciously adopt a D/s dynamic (sometimes complete with collars and titles) often have an interest in the other parts of BDSM. However, it must be understood that those who live this way as a lifestyle (rather than just assuming the roles for a 'scene' of play) do not do this to create excuses for S&M play. A sadist running a D/s relationship solely to justify lots of 'punishments' is not going to be a good Dom. This is quite a complicated matter, so I'll discuss it in more detail.

Play vs. punishment vs. abuse.

S&M play is normally based around the giving and receiving of pain for mutual pleasure and intimacy. It is not necessary for the people involved to assume any particular role, much less for the entire relationship to embody such roles. That being said, some people do use role-playing to enhance the experience.

One common element of this role-playing is the concept of punishment. Enjoying the pain of S&M is dependant on being in the right psychological place when it is delivered and many masochists find that the idea of being punished gets them there very fast. However, the offence in question should NOT be a real one. S&M is no way to work out genuine dissatisfactions, concerns or arguments within a couple and bringing in such baggage is not good. The actual motive for the punishment (if it is even discussed) will likely be vague and spurious or something that only the character you are role-playing is guilty of.

Many Dominant/submissive relationships incorporate provisions for the Dominant to punish the submissive (whilst many others do not). In this case, the punishment is a response to a breach of expected behaviour on the part of the sub.

Some subs deliberately vex their Doms into punishing them for mutual S&M gratification. These subs are known as 'brats' and their relationships are recognised as unusual. For a 'normal' D/s relationship, the goal is for the Dom to actually rule the sub effectively – with punishment being and undesirable consequence when the relationship's terms are breached. S&M play might also occur as a separate thing - who needs an excuse to have fun, after all?

Even when the physical mechanics of punishment are the same as those of play, the former is generally reported to not be enjoyable because it occurs in such a different head-space. Conversely, a punishment might be nothing like S&M. As you can see, a Dom who seeks excuses to punish the sub for his S&M pleasure is likely to make the D/s part of the relationship dysfunctional.

The notion of a Dom deliberately discomforting their partner when their control is defied sounds pretty abusive at first glance. The thing to realise is that all the unique elements of a D/s relationship should be consensual things that both partners find preferable to the alternatives – including the existence of punishment.

All relationships are built upon agreed rules – whether the informal social expectations of boyfriend/girlfriend status or the legally registered vows of marriage. People in D/s relationships add extra, unique terms to their agreement (usually without writing up a contract, though some do). This is a genuine part of the relationship structure like any other – I read a piece by one sub saying that 'stepping outside' the D/s dynamic for a particular purpose wasn't something she could do any more than a couple could 'step outside' of their marriage to do something.

Some subs value punishment because they find themselves unable to live the life they want without that motivation not to fail. Others find the set, measured consequences vital for leaving behind mistakes and failures that they otherwise fret over excessively. Some consider punishment a treasured sign that their Dom values them enough to watch and guide their progress. Others simply find that consistent punishment gives concrete reality to the rules of their relationship and their own decision to submit. All would far rather be punished than successfully conceal an offence or be 'let off'. If a sub sees no benefit to punishment, their relationship probably won't include provision for it and they will see Doms who require it as incompatible.

None of this is evident at all in Fifty Shades of Grey. The way Christian tells it, punishing Ana is all part of what he needs/enjoys about being a Dom. In effect, punishment forms a second thread of S&M fun for him – with Ana's disobedience to the agreed rules replacing a proper discussion of consent and waiving her ability to say no if she wants the relationship to continue.

Unsurprisingly, Ana feels physically unsafe under these unacceptable circumstances. She attempts to avoid punishment first by concealing things from him and then by actually having sex with him as a distraction. This is NOT a healthy situation. Her seductive diversion actually works because Grey has no interest in being consistent or affirming in his punishments – he uses them to gratify his own feelings of anger and has no interest in delivering an 'earned' punishment if he isn't too angry to think clearly. You only have to look at the motives above to see how well a sub that actually wanted a punishment dynamic would take that.

This is not to say that Christian has no interest in properly training Ana. However, his goals are based not on who she wants to be (like in a healthy, mutually desired D/s situation) but rather on who he wants her to be. Although he has a genuine interest in getting her to take better care of herself (in a cloying, patriarchal kinda way) his main goals are that she ceases to argue with him under any circumstances and desists from going places and seeing people without his knowledge and approval. In other words he is exhibiting the number one habit of the bad Dom – using the differing roles solely to get more (in terms of time and attention) in exchange for giving less (in terms of compromise and enduring the hard parts of a romantic relationship). A good Dom instead focuses on meeting the great responsibilities that come with all that power and trust – because they aren't doing the D/s thing purely as a means of enabling their own selfishness.

The punishment aspect of the Grey/Steele relationship is actually abuse. This is not a rejection of the entire alternative lifestyle D/s represents, but simply an accurate assessment of their own case. If you want S&M and/or a punishment dynamic in your own life, there is nothing about Fifty Shades that can wisely be used as an instruction manual.

Informed consent requires being informed.

A lot of the time, sexual consent in the vanilla world is a fairly generalised thing. This is because the people involved know what to expect from the idea of regular sex – though a person's first time is generally taken a bit more carefully. By contrast, more unusual things like anal sex are usually explicitly discussed in advance rather than just taken as part of the package.

In BDSM, basically everything is 'unusual'. This means that basically everything needs to be explicitly talked about. Even if the implements involved are commonly agreed in advance, the way in which they are used can be subject to a lot of variation. As respected author Jay Wiseman puts it “when two people are alone together, and one of them is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them with their hands full of torture implements, this is not the time to have a serious mismatch of expectations”.

As well as discussing things with your partner, you should research into any safety hazards that your plans might involve. Most of these risks are low probability (meaning that people get away with unsafe behaviour most of the time) but knowing them and acting sensibly reduces the risk a lot more. It also allows you to prepare for a highly unlikely but possibly life-threatening situation ahead of time. Grey seems to know enough to keep a cutting tool handy so he can free Ana from bondage immediately in the event of a medical emergency, house fire or the like. Given his punctuality and staff of minions, it is likely that Ana would eventually be rescued if Grey himself had a heart attack. Unfortunately he hasn't learned not to use cable ties, which are so unsuitable they can cause nerve damage.

Of course, a person's consent regarding something they've never done before is still based on their guesses of what it will be like. Most people are aware of the 'safeword' mechanism, whereby a person can demand that the scene stops immediately by uttering a particular agreed word. What tends to get over-looked is that a scene with so much momentum that it can only be stopped by a special pre-arranged code is really psychologically intense. Under most circumstances, the top should be monitoring the bottom's emotional state well enough to know if they need to stop. Grey seems to feel that giving Ana a safeword absolves him of all responsibility as she should just learn to communicate, but this isn't an appropriate attitude.

Even when a scene goes really well, a top should generally provide emotional support and reassurance as the bottom 'comes down' from the intense experience. If you're in a relationship with them (or do something really extreme during a more casual hook up) it's often good to check in with them again later when the whole thing has had the chance to 'sink in'. Grey's contact with Ana the day after her first spanking would almost qualify as this kind of aftercare – if he didn't blame her for expressing uncertainties and tell her that she has to quash them if she's going to be a 'real' sub. Generally speaking, he totally sucks at this kind of thing.

Then there's the time that Christian pins Ana down when she tries to push him off, threatens to gag her if she cries out and has sex with her against her clearly stated wishes. What this means should be obvious and it isn't even out of character for him. The entire book is saturated with examples of him invading her boundaries without permission or obtaining 'consent' with the aid of threats or alcohol. Grey's behaviour throughout the book is not a model of the true dominant – it's a model of a stalking abusive rapist. If I'm going to write about the ways in which 50 Shades is inadequate as a guide to good BDSM practice, it's probably worth mentioning that honouring the very basics of proper consent are the foundation from which all else follows.

I understand why Fifty Shades is written in the way that it is. Removing a female character's agency before fulfilling her (or rather your) darkest dreams has been an effective method of popularising taboo fantasies for centuries. If Ana wasn't a virginal good girl who gets pressed into this stuff, she'd be a far less socially acceptable surrogate for the mainstream female reader. I'll refrain from providing a full examination of all the ways in which that is a bit screwed up.

What I will say is that there honestly are a huge number of really kinky and dominant people out there who are also really nice and considerate. If you want to find someone who will fulfil your Fifty Shades fantasies, don't go looking for an obsessive stalker and emotional manipulator who regularly breaks their own rules, forbids you to talk to anyone about the relationship and generally raises enough red flags to bring a tear to Lenin's eye. If you find one, get out. Unlike Ana, you probably won't be in a situation where they are the only person you've ever wanted to have sex with – and they won't be the only person who will do BDSM with you either.

Have fun!

BDSM is about people doing what they want to do because it makes them happy and fulfilled. Although some find powerful psychological benefits and deep relationships can be formed within its dynamics, kink isn't really founded upon anything more complex than this.

As such, what you do should be what you want to do. If you are doing something only because an experienced kinkster, a book, a film or an internet article has said that it is the 'right' way to do things then something is wrong. New submissives are particularly vulnerable to this because they want someone to dictate to them – yet those in successful relationships have usually taken a strong role in defining the terms of that relationship.

That being said, some things are non-negotiable for anyone involved in this field. You must be scrupulous about consent. You must conduct your real human relationships in a non-abusive fashion. You must learn about the potential mental and physical dangers of the activities you want to do and act in a way that minimises and watches for these risks.

Christian Grey does a really bad job in these three fields. As such, he is no kind of role model or teacher whatsoever. If you try to do this stuff for real, neither of you are going to benefit from using him as one. Thanks for listening.